At What Point Will “Disordered” Be Sick Enough?

At what point will “disordered” be sick enough?

I’ve continued to come back to this question for the last week, or rather this question has come back to me. The more I get into this work of supporting women as they find food and body image liberation, the more I am struck by how silent disordered eating can be. No matter what people may still think, eating disorders have no LOOK. I say disordered eating because even eating disorders seem to have a hierarchy. Leave it to white supremacy/patriarchy to turn a deadly disease into a rat race to what finish, I’m not really sure.

Disordered eating has become so normalized we can no longer untangle where “health” starts and “disordered” ends. I work with clients in all types of body sizes crossing multiple different intersectionalities. Trust me when I say there is no color to disordered eating, there is no socioeconomic status, there is nobody size and to be honest not much of a need to define HOW BAD someone’s disordered eating is, it’s bad, all of it.

So when does disordered become sick enough to be, well, sick enough?

• Is it sucking in your stomach to appear more hourglass-like?

• Is it body checking out of a need to control, shrink, or punish?

• Is it throwing up in the bathroom with friends because you felt too “full”?

• Is it size? A look?

• Is it passing out or exercising out of fear of body changes?

• Is it consuming a certain amount of calories?

• Is it losing or gaining a certain amount of weight?

• Is it enough to feel unworthy to show up in your here and now body?

• Is it enough to stop participating in life out of fear of being seen?

• Is it cutting out food groups or labeling your style of eating when you really know it’s about micromanaging your body size?

• Is it rigidly adhering to a set of rules that bring anxiety and stress when broken?

• Is it feeling shame for living in a human body that doesn’t fit the societal “mold”?

• Is it a certain BMI?

Disordered eating has NO LOOK and doesn’t play fair but society never has either.

Disordered eating has NO LOOK and doesn’t play fair but society never has either. We glorify some for their disordered eating and feel pity for others. We tell some to eat 1,000 calories and tell others it’s disordered. We shame somebodies, just to turn around and devalue someone else’s lived experience. Assumptions are made based on shit science and a money-making agenda all while acting like “health” is the goal. If health is the goal, then let’s be real and dig a little deeper into what “health” really means and if it’s actually accessible to everyone. If health was the goal, then why aren’t all people afforded the same type of unbiased medical care? Or access to a variety of food, water, stable housing, jobs, mental health support, etc.?

When a medical system is no longer a safe place where you feel that your best interest is taken into account, would you continue to show up for regular appointments? Would you go out of your way to seek advice or support just be told that you need to lose weight?

I have always been in a straight-sized body, but I often wonder if my disordered eating would have gone undiagnosed had I been in a different body size I’m not saying white straight-sized bodies aren’t valid in their pain (that would mean I don’t have compassion for my own experience), what I AM saying is there are far more mountains to climb if you are in a large body, a black body, a colored body, a LGBTQ+ body, or a disabled body.

It breaks my heart to hear clients feel like their experiences never got “bad enough”. What rings much truer for me, is the strength behind ALL individuals who are deciding that they no longer want to say yes to diet culture. Those who aren’t ready to take that step, I SEE YOU TOO, and you are JUST as strong for doing what you need to do to get through the day.

Until we can begin to disentangle the invidiousness of our culture’s ability to undermine our actual health, we will all be stuck in this cycle of distrust, brokenness, and disconnection. Every being on this planet deserves more than that.