Shame Feeds the Need To Rebel

Shame narrows our focus making us believe not just that we have done something “bad”, but that we ARE “bad”.

That narrowing makes it feel like the discomfort will go on forever, and worst of all that we are ALONE in that feeling.

Shame takes us to this place of “Othering” ourselves in a way that keeps us from turning towards ourselves with kindness and care. It has a cyclical nature that reverberates the lies of our unworthiness.

These intense feelings often lead to rebellion. Whether it’s not seeing that we deserve to be treated with care, using food in a self-harming way, treating our bodies as less than, lashing out or hurting others/ourselves because of the pain, or shutting down altogether.

Our society is built on shame to keep us in line, but what we have failed to acknowledge are the repercussions of that shaming.

When we feel defeated and unworthy, we don’t reach for ways to make lasting helpful/healthy change, we reach for coping skills to numb out, distract, or punish.

We lose touch with our own value.

@tarabrach said, “When we’re caught in shame, our deepest need is to trust that we are lovable and valuable.”

How powerful. The way through isn’t how it’s been done before in our patriarchal society. The way through is to soften and feel the hurt and pain.

By recognizing the real human experience of shame (because we all feel it in varying degrees) we can then cultivate and recognize our shared vulnerabilities, and our very real shared belonging.

I know, this might feel impossible and backwards, but trust me on this one. Shame might keep us in check short term, but the long term repercussions end up negating any short term benefit.

The other way through? Kindness, friendliness, ACKNOWLEDGMENT of our pain, and suffering.

Don’t believe me? Give it a try! When you feeling yourself go into a place of self-shaming, what would it feel like to pause? Take a deep and full inhale and exhale. Maybe put your hand on your chest or belly, and say words like “this belongs” or “can I offer myself some kindness right now?”. Maybe practice using a soothing voice like you would with a pet or a friend in need.

What are you fueling? Peace or Unworthiness?