The Hard Things That Add To Our Life

I spent close to 2 decades believing I couldn’t control myself around ice cream.

I’d like to say I can’t believe that, but the truth is, it makes sense I felt that way. We live in a society that brings morality into food, which keeps us from listening to our internal knowing of what type, amounts, and how frequently our bodies need nourishment.

Add in a perfectionist mentality and a fear of not being enough, and BOOM, bring on the disordered.

Ice cream was a binge food for me. When it was around, I would wake up in the middle of the night to go downstairs and eat it in shame, numbly trying to fill on the kitchen floor. When I went to pastry school and lived alone, I would have nights were I would wait until I couldn’t bear it anymore, then run to the store to grab the biggest container of low calorie “ice cream” I could get and eat it all in front of my computer. I would finish only when I was in enough pain, then crawl into bed, and attempt to fall asleep cradling my despair and self-loathing.

Morning would come and I would vow not to eat for as long as I could, feeling relief only when I could disregard my intense hunger for long enough. It was a toxic cycle, yet I didn’t know recognize there was a healthier option. Thank GAWD for Intuitive Eating, therapy, and self-compassion work.

Ice cream and I have had a long journey together. I won’t lie and say it’s always easy, I’ve had too many years of deprivation for those disordered voices to go completely away, but the progress and trust is more than enough.

Having multiple pints of different types of ice cream in the freezer might seem excessive and unnecessary, but if you’ve lived in the destructive binge/restrict mindset before, you know how huge it is to #1 make different options available, and #2 provide the safety of having those once named fear foods around.

I no longer have to absent-minded while I binge on shitty ice cream late at night. I no longer have to act like I don’t have an appreciation for dessert foods (I mean hello I was a pastry chef for a reason!) and I definitely no longer have to act like clean eating is a worthy cause that makes me better than someone else.

I can eat ice cream freely when I want it, with awareness, satisfaction, and pleasure.

I now eat ice cream based on the freedom of knowing I can always have it. Period. I am building trust that I can listen to what my body tells me. Sometimes it’s a couple bites, sometimes it’s more. Sometimes the disordered voice comes out and wants to scare me into submission, but I’m just not letting that fly anymore. I KNOW better now. I’m CHOOSING better now.

My ED served it’s purpose for long enough and I appreciate that it did the best it could to keep me safe, but I’ve got this now. I don’t have room for my ED anymore, I have too much living to do, and way too much ice cream chilling in my freezer to fit anything that doesn’t add to my healing.

The option for healing is ALWAYS open to you too. We can all do hard things, might as well do hard things that add to our lives instead of taking away from them.