Sweaty mess indeed. Do I feel like I need a nap now? Nope. I just kicked my own booty and was humbled in the process as I had to take a couple breaks. It was a great reminder. I woke up this morning not being motivated to get to the gym and do what I had “planned” so I took a second to do my morning reading and journal instead, giving myself time to process through my options.

I know for my own mental health, some kind of movement through out the day is necessary.

I’ve been an athlete my whole life and movement helps me feel connected to my body, although that has definitely been a journey as well. This morning I let myself weigh my options; I could push through my back workout, I could do some arms and a little running, I could do a HIIT based workout, I could go to a yoga class, stay at home and do yoga, go for a walk outside, go for a run outside, do a little restorative yoga. I know this all seems like a lot of options for an indecisive person, but I’m learning I’m really not as indecisive as I think.

In the past, I haven’t always given myself the right options or the freedom to choose without judgement. It’s not the choosing that’s the hard part, it’s letting go of the judgment if it ends up being the “wrong” choice…sound familiar??

Physical activity was one of 2 things for over 20 years of my life. It was either practice, or a way to lose weight, aka work off any extra food I consumed. In college, that meant a 3 hour morning practice, possibly team weight lifting, and if I had a “binge” the night before, 2 hours on the elliptical..and I wondered why I would binge each night 😤.

I wasn’t informed, but mostly, I wasn’t listening or treating myself very kindly. I wasn’t listening to my body screaming for help. I didn’t give my body or mind the space to deal with the trauma it had gone through. Instead I coped the best I could, until I got tired of that coping mechanism and wanted to move on.

When I quit swimming in college, I went through a lot of emotional loss. I didn’t know who I was, what I was supposed to do, or how to connect to my body. 2 years later I found yoga. It was the first thing since synchronized swimming where I felt in tune with my body. Not comfortable, but starting to listen.

I say all this because as I was deciding this morning what my movement was going to look like today, I was reminded how much easier life would be if we just let go. Let go of worrying we’ll make the wrong decision or what it looks like to let go of control. This is a battle I STILL go through myself because it’s not a linear process , and it takes TIMEEEEE.

There are seasons for everything. There are seasons based on the earths orbit, seasons based on astrology, seasons of age, seasons of time, seasons of pushing, seasons of letting go. I had seasons where I only did yoga. Seasons where I pushed my body into the ground. Seasons where listening to what my body was telling me wasn’t a choice, athletes often give up that right. I had seasons where I had to run and run and run.

I’m now learning that there really are seasons for most parts of our lives. When there needs to be a shift, or a change of season, you’ll know if you start listening. During my yoga season, I started to feel like I needed something else. I needed a little push, something competitive, and low and behold my spouse got me to get back into the gym, into weight lifting, into getting comfortable feeling uncomfortable in a gym with a whole lot of dudes. I love it, for a couple years that was my season, one I was proud of. Then that itch came again, that feeling like I was forcing my body through movement it didn’t want to do the majority of the time.

Because of fear, because of the unknown, I didn’t listen for a solid year. I let myself suffer. I LET the little voice in my head tell me I was weak and lazy for not wanting to work out. This is what we are taught, this is a learned behavior that I still carry with me. Not just because I was an athlete, but because I am human and we are all hit with the same unrealistic expectations.

What was I itching for? What was my body calling me to do mentally AND physically? To slow down, get on my mat, start being intentional, stop pushing, release, and start letting go. See, when we are trying to do “all the things” we often forget to look internally for what we really want. It’s so easy to lose touch with how our bodies are feeling by simply ignoring or numbing. We are so harsh, telling ourselves we are weak when our intuition is there to keep us safe and aware.

We wonder why we are having all these uncomfortable “stuck” feelings when in reality those feelings are coming from your insanely intelligent intuitive body saying, “HEY RED FLAG! This isn’t working anymore!”

The unfortunate piece is that we have these engrained ideals in our heads that we let drive our lives so much of the time, and it isn’t our fault. We are fed those ideals, no one is immune, but we can use our awareness to take a step back and really start to sort through why we are feeling a certain way, what the triggers are, and where our “rules” came from.

It isn’t perfect. I still have my own internal dialogue I’m working through, but movement to me isn’t a punishment anymore. It isn’t reactionary or a way to balance out my “bad eating”. It’s a reminder that I am stronger than I let myself believe. I am resilient. I am capable. I am not just my body, nor does my worth reside there. I am beginning to listen. Not just physically, but mentally too, because there is no disconnect between our mind/body.

Movement helps me wake up in the morning, and helps my clarity throughout the day. Movement helps me connect with the earth, my community, my pent up emotions that need to be let out, it can be meditative. Movement can be fluid and freeing or fun and competitive, its looks different for everyone, and that’s the beauty of it.